Law of attraction: speak and you will prosper – Bimini Bon-Boulash (A Little Bit of Love UK)

*deep breath* Here we go…

Recently, I met up with a colleague and friend for coffee. As we were sharing about creative possibilities, I shared with her this website to talk about how I went about building my own website. Her eyes grew and she exclaimed with excitement about my website. “Luis”, she said. “You have to share this!”

Uh oh. My mind went blank and immediately I felt my body shift: trying to make itself smaller and pull into itself. “I don’t know…”, I said in response to her excitement.

You see debuting this website has always been part of the plan. But to share out with the world officially? To share out with my friends, colleagues, and other social networks officially? Yikes.

For one, like many creatives, I struggle with perfection. With my projects having “to be” a certain way before debuting. Be it my food blog or podcast, I felt they needed to cross certain milestones (followers, listeners, downloads, etc.) before officially debuting them. I am also a ball of unending strings of self-doubt and insecurities. Reading Anu Sataluri’s piece about the 111 portal and the power of January 11th she highlighted 3 different options of what we do when a creative idea arrives. For me its usually number 1 (ignore because of fear) or number 2 (take notice but procrastinate).

Second, in therapy I’ve been discussing more and more about holistically showing up as me. As a first-generation queer Mexican-American I have often felt that I needed to split my identities (one of them being my Mexican “side” and my American “side”). I cannot say where this feeling came from but what I do know is that it has been a tool for my survival. To show up whole? In this world that is frequently telling me and others like me that we are dispensable? Nope. To show up fully as myself is scary. Other thoughts in my head: is having this website professional? Will this prohibit future opportunities in any way? What if people see a “me” they don’t typically see? What will people think?

Who me, like this? In front of all these people? – Tayce

So, what changed? Why now?

As I’ve been reflecting on my friend’s encouragement I keep coming back to this: I am damn proud of these projects. I committed time, energy, and my own resources to cultivate all my creative projects from inception to execution and into their current stages of prosperity. Each of these projects are an extension of who I am. My writing is my commitment to my younger self who wrote poems, stories, and journal entries; my food blog is a commitment to the city of Greensboro, North Carolina to show its wonderful food spaces with a particular attention to minority-owned businesses; and, my podcast is a commitment to providing space for the dating and relationship experiences of millennials who are people of color and/or queer.

I also am beginning to recognize how others’ voices negatively influence and prohibit me from showing up as my full self. Their comments around professionalism, use of social media, and, ultimately, ways of keeping the status quo contribute to this feeling of separating me from other aspects of myself. I recognize, at times, these people were projecting their own insecurities and real experiences they endured to navigate/survive their space(s). I honor their experiences. I wish them healing and light on their journey.

As I wind down to the end, I want to acknowledge this would not be possible without an incredible community. I wish to highlight some of them here:

  • The friend named at the beginning of this post is leadership educator, memory creator, and experience cultivator Melanie. She reminded me of and encouraged me to finally debut this website. You can follow Melanie at @mrsbullockharris.
  • My podcast is not a solo effort (read more here). My current podcast “Courting in Color” is co-hosted with my friend Chatrice who is a body positive feminist fashionista. I cannot believe our car conversations driving throughout the Southeast resulted in this podcast. You can follow Chatrice at @the.curvy.belle.
  • Before Courting in Color, I co-hosted another podcast called “Welcome to Queersburg” with my former roommate Mary Beth who is an educator, costume designer, artist, and a general queer bad ass. I learned from MB about the consistency and work it takes to self-produce a podcast. You can follow her art page at @meeblottdraws.
  • Fellow foodie and friend Julia who is a food blogger in the Durham, NC area. Julia opened up her apartment for a small creative collective to come together and work on projects. In this space, I completed this website and am thankful for such a space to work. You can follow Julia at @apinch_ofjulia.
  • My partner who supports me. I am so fortunate to be with another creative who understands the highs, lows, and side-to-side feelings of being a creative and an artist.
  • Lastly, others who have seen this creativity in me and have named it to me, who have traversed paths with me on my life journey, and who saw light and magic in me when I did not always see it within myself.

Thank you for reading and for following along. I am excited to see where this goes.

I commit to my creative self. I commit to myself and my voice in various spaces. I commit to planting various seeds and tending to them. I am open to what these seeds produce.

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